Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Life in Thoughts

Guess who's back?? Well, kind of. Truth is, I've been super busy the last few months, between planning an international trip, school, work, tax season, scholarship apps - basically, a lot has been going on. Quite a lot. I'm sure there's been blogworthy moments, but I just haven't taken the time to sit down and type out what I'm feeling. So, in trying to keep this blog very much one about my life - my interests, fears, dream and plans - I'm going to get more personal than I have before.

The truth is that at the moment, I don't know what in the world I am doing. Like, I am absolutely and completely lost. Why? Because I have lost any and all ambition. And I struggle everyday to try and find something - anything, that will keep me looking forward to the next hour, day, or year. I've been finding it harder and harder to really enjoy the little things in life. I suppose I'm falling into a routine and I'm doing everything possible not to do so. I don't want to fall into a routine without some sort of end goal in mind. And that's the root cause of it all - I need to find another dream to fulfill. But there's something always stopping me - usually money and adult responsibilities.

So, I'm going to take this blogpost to try and come up with some goals. You see, my two biggest dreams, as far back as I can remember were to 1. Visit Japan and 2. Finish College. Two years ago, I achieved these two goals but I had created new dreams: 1. Revisit Japan ad 2. Find a job I really love. Fast forward two years later and I will soon: 1. Revisit Japan and 2. Have a job I really love.

So now, I'm left wondering if this is enough. Like yes, I really liked my job and a big part of the reason I like my job so much is that I (mostly) really like the people I worked with. I had another job like this - my job as an undergrad as a writing tutor. I loved my job in college because everyone just got along so well. Our bosses were super chill and awesome and it was overall a comfortable atmosphere. I have the same situation at the place where I currently work. But, things change, as all things must, and I'm left questioning how much longer I should stay at this job because at some point, it will start to bore me. And I fear that it already has.

I suppose what I really need are set goals. Even if they seem trivial. I'm in my early twenties, I have lots of time to waste but I want to waste it gaining new experiences instead of falling into a routine. So, with that in mind, goals that I want to complete in the next two years::
1. Visit Austria
2. Go to France. See Versailles.
3. Finish my first draft of my first book.
4. Finish my degree.

I don't know if those are good goals. But I hope they will push me toward focusing on something and trying not to see it as futile. I want to be able to see and accept the possibilities instead of falling into this routine, that at the moment, is making me so very lonely.

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