Guess who's back?? Well, kind of. Truth is, I've been super busy the last few months, between planning an international trip, school, work, tax season, scholarship apps - basically, a lot has been going on. Quite a lot. I'm sure there's been blogworthy moments, but I just haven't taken the time to sit down and type out what I'm feeling. So, in trying to keep this blog very much one about my life - my interests, fears, dream and plans - I'm going to get more personal than I have before.
The truth is that at the moment, I don't know what in the world I am doing. Like, I am absolutely and completely lost. Why? Because I have lost any and all ambition. And I struggle everyday to try and find something - anything, that will keep me looking forward to the next hour, day, or year. I've been finding it harder and harder to really enjoy the little things in life. I suppose I'm falling into a routine and I'm doing everything possible not to do so. I don't want to fall into a routine without some sort of end goal in mind. And that's the root cause of it all - I need to find another dream to fulfill. But there's something always stopping me - usually money and adult responsibilities.
So, I'm going to take this blogpost to try and come up with some goals. You see, my two biggest dreams, as far back as I can remember were to 1. Visit Japan and 2. Finish College. Two years ago, I achieved these two goals but I had created new dreams: 1. Revisit Japan ad 2. Find a job I really love. Fast forward two years later and I will soon: 1. Revisit Japan and 2. Have a job I really love.
So now, I'm left wondering if this is enough. Like yes, I really liked my job and a big part of the reason I like my job so much is that I (mostly) really like the people I worked with. I had another job like this - my job as an undergrad as a writing tutor. I loved my job in college because everyone just got along so well. Our bosses were super chill and awesome and it was overall a comfortable atmosphere. I have the same situation at the place where I currently work. But, things change, as all things must, and I'm left questioning how much longer I should stay at this job because at some point, it will start to bore me. And I fear that it already has.
I suppose what I really need are set goals. Even if they seem trivial. I'm in my early twenties, I have lots of time to waste but I want to waste it gaining new experiences instead of falling into a routine. So, with that in mind, goals that I want to complete in the next two years::
1. Visit Austria
2. Go to France. See Versailles.
3. Finish my first draft of my first book.
4. Finish my degree.
I don't know if those are good goals. But I hope they will push me toward focusing on something and trying not to see it as futile. I want to be able to see and accept the possibilities instead of falling into this routine, that at the moment, is making me so very lonely.